1ST Quarter_Week 9_Reflection

SCORE: 20/20

 Part 1:

About RESPONSIBILITY: Are there things that I have done that were irresponsible? How did I/can I correct those things so I will not do it again in the future?

As a human, it is only natural to let myself go from time to time, even when I really need to hold myself together.  There are just times when I have no motivation to do anything, and before I knew it, the day has already ended. I would often zone out into my own world as my entire mind blank out. Even when I know that I have to do something, my mental state won’t let me.

Of course, my irresponsibility does not mean that I am lazy. I tend to focus more on my mental health, so I do not push myself to work when I know that I am at the point of breaking down. For example, during the typhoon Rolly, my PTSD acted up, and I was left incapacitated. The horrible memories of different men raping me when I was just a toddler left me shaking and crying in my bed for days. I couldn’t muster the strength to get up. Even the act of breathing suffocates me. 

Thankfully there was a one-week break at that time, so I was able to rest myself even just for a little. Because of the extra time that I received, I was able to finish the tasks that were assigned at that time. I admit that while doing the painting in personal development, I was feeling so bad that my work reflected it. Looking at my grades, it’s no surprise that I messed it up. I am such a mess of a human being.

Sadly, by the time school started once more, I still can’t shake those dark thoughts looming in my mind. Because of that, my school performance was still somewhat affected. I find myself doing the works the night before the submissions, just like this one. I feel like a robot going through the motions of life, and it makes me feel more depressed the more I think about it.

Depression is a real thing. It has affected my life so much. If only I could get rid of it with a wave of my hand, maybe this irresponsible lifestyle of mine will finally come to an end. But it’s not that easy. Trauma doesn’t really go away. So now, I’ll keep coping. I still have my friends and family who care for me. Living like a robot is still better than not living at all.

Part 2:

1. Describe Lea Cervantes. What was her life like?

Lea Cervantes grew up as a child of God. She was blessed with the love of her family and was given the gift of academic excellence. However, because of this, the expectations of the people around her was big, especially from her parents. As the expectations grew, the pressure that comes with it also grew. It has even come to the point where she lives solely to achieve other people’s approval. And yet, despite all her achievements, she still feels like she is not worthy of them. As a result, she has grown to hate the people who always expected her to excel, including herself.

She lived solely for others. Even when she has invited a scholarship at a prestigious school, she chose to give that up so that she can help provide for her family. Although her faith in God was established, her view of Him was obscured because of her experiences. She always thought that good deeds are not done because they are good, and instead, they are done to gain God’s approval and to get into heaven.

2. At some point, can you relate with her especially about the challenges she faced in her life? Why? 

                As a scholar, I can relate to Lea’s struggle concerning other people’s expectations. I feel like I don’t deserve the praise and respect that I get from them. Maybe it’s my anxiety and my ingrained self-hatred that’s doing this, but my heart feels heavy every time someone mentions how special I must be. I feel like a scam. They always overestimate me, and I hate that I have to conform to their image of me.

                My father, in particular, always wanted me to excel in everything that I do. For him, nothing is ever good enough. I am never good enough. Growing up, it doesn’t really bother me. I don’t care about my grades because I know that those numbers do not define me. But seeing my father leave the honor’s assembly just because I only got a 94.4 on my card broke my heart. No matter how indifferent I feel for my grades, I cannot say the same for my father. This is why I feel angry every time someone praises me for my “gifted brain.” Because deep in my heart, I know that I don’t deserve it.

3. What led to her transformation that made her life of struggle, resentment, bitterness, and hurt to a life of success, contentment, happiness and joy?

                When a friend of hers invited her to go to the CCF for a mass, her entire life changed. The pastor’s words plucked a string in her heart. He said: “People should not do good deeds to gain God’s approval. Instead, it is by people’s complete faith and belief that they gain God’s will.” From his words, Lea’s mind woke up. Her obscured views in life was no more. She realized that she shouldn’t live solely for others. With this, other people’s expectations no longer weigh her down.

After this, she continued going to the masses so that she can gain more wisdom. She even started spreading God’s will to those who are around her by conducting bible studies at her workplace. \

4. What is the key lesson/s that you learned/realized from the life of Lea Cervantes? How can you apply it to your life? Explain. 

 

                The lesson that I’ve learned from her story is that there is more to life than seeking to gain other people’s approval. I shouldn’t do good deeds solely for the sake of getting other people’s validation. Instead, I should do them simply because they’re good. I shouldn’t expect a reward for doing something that I was supposed to do.

                Not only that, her story emphasized that I shouldn’t let other people’s expectations of me to define me. No matter how high they sing praises for me, I still know the limits of my capabilities. I do not need to conform to their ideal image of me, because once again, that is not me. With this, I will not feel bad for not meeting their expectations. In turn, this will boost up my self-image and my self-esteem instead of bringing it down like it usually does.